The Piggy Bank Theory: Why Couples Fight and How They Can Grow

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many couples navigating the complexities of romantic relationships. One common theme I’ve observed is conflict—frequent, often confusing, and deeply frustrating for both partners. But why does it happen so often?

To me, it commonly comes down to what I call the “piggy banks.”

Let’s imagine a fictional couple: Alex and Sam. Alex grew up with a unique set of values, norms, rules, experiences, and ways of understanding the world. These elements were shaped over time and deposited into Alex’s metaphorical piggy bank. Let’s picture Alex’s piggy bank as blue.

Sam, too, has their own piggy bank— a red one, in this case—filled with their distinct values, beliefs, experiences, and perspectives.

Each partner brings two piggy banks into the relationship:

• One they keep intact, representing their authentic self.

• One they’re willing to break apart and rebuild together.

The goal isn’t to force one piggy bank onto the other, but to co-create something new—an “purple” piggy bank, if you will. A shared space that honors both histories while building a future together.

Unfortunately, many couples fall into the trap of trying to impose their own piggy bank onto their partner. They push their agenda, convinced their way is the “right” way. This leads to defensiveness, arguments, and what I call the “game of pong where nobody wins.”

Conflict is inevitable. But the real question is: what’s the goal of the argument?

• To be right?

• To avoid being steamrolled into placation?

• To silence the other person?

These are short-term goals that often miss the bigger picture. If we can pause, reflect, and shift our focus, we might discover that the differences in each partner’s piggy bank are not obstacles—but raw materials for something beautiful, collaborative, and lasting.

So how do we build that purple piggy bank together?

Let’s talk about it in therapy. Feel free to reach out and schedule an appointment by emailing me at aaron@compassnorthcounseling.com or calling 425-395-4646.